The Memoirs of Edward Cullen
by Usuratonkatchi
Summary: Edward's attempt to save Bella from himself. Can he really do it this time? One-shot.


**Disclaimer: Don't own twilight. The sparkly vampires scare me.**

**This is just practice in a different style. Hope it doesn't burn anyone's eyes.**

**Anyone who's read the books should understand when this is, if you don't then hopefully it isn't too confusing.**

"_Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." -Edward Cullen_

_The Memoirs of Edward Cullen_

_September 19 11:45PM_

As I watch her sleep, her eyes fluttering slightly as she dreams, I wonder. Is she happy? Am I right for her? Would it be healthier for her if I was gone? What is she dreaming about; is it me? What would I dream of if the action were possible? Some questions were easier with simple answers. Is she my reason for living? Could I live without her? Do I have it in me to hurt her if it's for her benefit? Do I have it in me to hurt myself for her benefit? Will there be others to protect and love her if I was gone?

As I watch her sleep, I worry. When she is away from me, for even an instant, I worry for her safety. When she is near me I worry more. The harm I could do to her… it's unthinkable! I also worry that she will indeed tire of me. She is indeed human. And like all humans, she will eventually move on.

As I watch her sleep, my mind blares at a hundred miles a minute. No matter the stress, no matter the anguish, I can still never be like her. Oh what it would be like to be human again so I would worry no longer, one could wonder.

All these thoughts and fears are mine. I keep them all to myself. Keep throwing her favorite crooked smile at her on occasion to make her grin. Keep up this façade to protect her, for I can not voice my fears. She can not be bothered by my childishness nor can I subject her to that form of torture.

I can hear her heart. It reminds me I can not hear my own. I feel her warm, slow breath blowing a breeze against my chest. It reminds me that I am so cold to her. As of late I have been subjected to being her personal pillow though I'd never tell her it slightly bothered me. She has too much faith in my control, and yet, I'm happy. She has never let go of my arm, and for that I am also grateful. At times, perfect times, like these where I can watch her at the definition of peaceful, I remember how not perfect it is. How I shouldn't be here watching this fascinating thing take place.

There was an unfathomable difference between my love for her and her love for me. Before her, my life was like a moonless night. It was very dark, but there were stars-points of light and reason. She shot across my sky like a meteor. Just like that everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When she leaves me for even the slightest of moments, or if I dare to think of her leaving me, that is when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, leaving everything black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. At times like those I can't see the stars anymore, leaving no more reason for anything. But me to her? I would be a shiny toy placed in front of a toddler, only loved until something else of interest was offered. That would be better for her of course, she would be happy, but I don't think I could bear to watch.

"Read the hidden meanings within hidden meanings," as someone so correctly put it. This angel, sent to me directly from heaven, deserves something that won't put her in harm's way. Unlike me. Maybe the Newton kid would better suit her. He was mellow, sure, but ok; she would get bored though and already shows no interest so that is unlikely to change. Jacob maybe, but he's one of the tribe and that would be bad news for her too, though she seems to only be interested in danger anyway. She can't even grasp the danger I'm putting her in, even at this very moment. I sigh heavily and she stirs. Her fragility still frightens me but she will always be a breakable human.

Every night these thoughts plague my mind, and every night these same questions come as well; nothing has changed. It is surprising that, given so much time, it has taken me so long to find a solution. The time was solely dependant on my selfishness that I must overcome. I must do what is best for my angel, I will not taint her white lace dress with my blood stained hands. Tonight, I swear to myself, that I will leave my love, for it is for her benefit. Tonight will be known as the night I save her from myself.

_September 20, 1:37_

My goal for now is Texas. That's as far as I can think ahead at the time because much else would drive me right back to her. Just as I passed Utah's border, I paused for the first time to see the sky. The moon was glistening directly above me.

With a sigh I break my angel's hold on me with uncanny ease, making it easier to still think that I was about to do the right thing. Picking her up gently I lay her back down on the pillow where she belongs and pull the covers up further to keep her warm. My look becomes downcast as her hands subconsciously look for what they had lost. I grab another, skinnier, pillow and hold it out for her, she takes it eagerly enough. Her face is one of happiness and contentment, I am glad. Smoothing her hair behind her ear slowly I try to mentally prepare for what I must do. I forced myself to smile, what I was doing was right, I couldn't back down now. Leaning down I kissed her forehead before grabbing a piece of paper to leave her a small note, I couldn't help it. Whether I was bad for her or not I still cared. I folded the card in half for it to stand up on her nightstand; she would immediately understand. I sighed one last time as I put the card in place and jumped out the window.

_Be Safe_

The scene replayed in my head as if the moon forced me to re-think what I was doing. I growled at it, then realizing it's beauty, I stared. The clouds and air mixed together in front of the moon to give it an eerie glow. For some reason unknown to me it made me think of my angel's eyes: pained, tortured, and deceived. If it were possible for me to cry, I would have. Stuck in place by the moon I thought it would be better to tell my angel, clean break or not I would rather not deceive her by leaving while she sleeps. This whole plan was very childish of me to begin with; this girl has a greater hold on me than the Earth does the Moon.

_September 20, 2:30_

Letting myself in through the window I sighed in relief; my angel had not woken. She had been clinging so very tightly to the pillow I had left as my replacement. Sneaking back into the bed gingerly I laid beside her. As if she sensed me she released the pillow, pushing it past me and off the bed, she noticed the fake. I saw her eyes flutter open; she looked like she would pass out again any second. She tried to talk, "E..?" I pressed a finger to her lips and shushed her like a mother would a child. With a smile I spoke for her, voice like velvet to lull her back to sleep, "I'm here." She smiled before her eyes drooped and I thought she was out until she muttered a simple, "I love you." "I love you too, my angel," Wrapping an arm around her I pulled her close to me in an endearing embrace, "And I always will." Smoothing back her hair, now in disarray, she seemed to be content again, breathing low and even. I stared at the ceiling. I wouldn't try this again. Tomorrow these thoughts will indeed plague my mind but I will have something to fight back with, I looked down at my angel, her smile. Stupid decision or not, I made her happy. Until she finds that shiny new toy, I will always be by her side; no matter what happens.

As I look out the window I realize for the first time, without the layers of clouds in the way, that tonight is a full moon. This was no moonless night, it was a night where my personal light was beside me the entire time, even if she was unaware. The meteor was still high in the sky and I will follow it until the ends of the earth to make it's light continue to shine brightly.


End file.
